HappyPanda: Part II

hey :) this is my best friend :) he's also my fantastic, ginger of a boyfriend :) and I love him :) :) smileysmileysmiley

Anorexia Nervosa

I am finally starting to understand my heart. Partially, at best, but the revelations are soothing. It's just a small dent in the surface of everything that antagonizes, separates, breaks, and destructs the formation of all my mental objects and the state of my affections. Every discovery- every unmasked attempt to expose what makes me tick, is filled with pain. I'm starting to learn the value of it all, though. Pain has a purpose, and pain has worth.

more to come. I'm so tired.

[I'm prone to wander, Jesus.. and You're prone to always come after me. thank You.]

HappyPanda

it's gonna be a good life(:

These Days

I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet.. but I need it.

MeYouAndEveryoneWeKnow

it's happening again, I can see what you do to me; always different but the same.. I won't let you take, won't let you make what I refuse to give [is everything I hold at stake], ready to lose it all, just show me a worthy cause.. I'm not sure of anything, knowing it could never be your face again that lights up my world, pull it all tightly shut, I'm opening up the door, closing my heart, won't go where we've gone before.. your name means more than three letters; solitary, binding it all in one stupid, conscious effort not to break down.. truth, resistance: what do you want from me? I'm trying too hard, not trying enough.. words were tainted, love was one of them.. but you don't scare me anymore, I won't be who I was, won't show that I'm weak enough to bleed, send me on my way is how it goes [on my wrist], even the perfect shatter their best.. no one deserves this thing called true love, yet we all need it so desperately. where can truth be found, if not in You? I've convinced myself the search is worth making me blind to all the things that don't exist, love substituted as bliss is overrated.. failure to commit, unwrapping the gift, he left me in pain rediscovering my meaning of sin, I don't understand.. two on one side, one on the other; two my enemy, one my brother.. who will I trust, what will I become? each season has its story, screaming the hatred from every mistake that's torn me into pieces.. am I finally believing.. it's not worth the life you give away just to make your heart feel wanted; your touch something so special.. the endless circles/the predator/the Saviour.... make it, bind me, heal the path to the Only Righteous, I desire Your truth [is sickening], more than I can take.. would You still love me, would You still die for me, would You still kiss my sins away, hold me 'til I swore you were a part of my very soul, never letting me go, promising me an escape.. I miss you quite terribly. I want the real thing [it's all You wanna give me], I can't believe you even want to look at me, I'm starting to think there's more than all I've been given, what I've been looking for can only be found when I come to the place where I believe with my entire self that You can erase it all.. abandon the imitation, the need to know I'm beautiful.. the answer is only found in You.. let me know You still want to be the One Thing in my life I treasure above worth.. my worth; show me it's You. I'm not misplaced, I'm right where You want me, right where I've gotta be to see You're all I need.. make me want You above everything, consume me, show me I can be so much more than what I thought, what everyone sees.. make me new, rewrite my heart in truth. my regrets are more than I can take, but I know You took it all.. You loved me through my betrayal, my renouncement of what I knew to be right in Your eyes.. I am not worthy, but because of You, I am.. I can be. I am, I will be. why would You love someone like me? because You made me Your own...


[[It's not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive at the restart." -Mumford&Sons]]

Pieces

#1. life is easiest lived with no regrets
      A. progress, not perfection
      B. learn and profit from mistakes

 #2. focus ahead
       A. keep your past where it belongs
       B. retrospective contemplation vs. living/dwelling in the past

#3. love is not all you need
      A. stop being so cognitively and emotionally challenged; incapable, co-dependent
      B. consider who is giving the love
      C. always helpful: discern what love is

#4. your self-worth cannot be found in any human being or in the effects of any beauty product
      A. if it hinders, turn off the TV/burn the magazines
      B. plastic ≠ perfection
      C. we are all flawed
      D. synchronize to a different strategy
      E. look to something better/follow someone greater, the One who made you

#5. thank your past for a better future
      A. pain makes you stronger
      B. present suffering < glory to be revealed in us
      C. affliction [for Christ's sake] works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory
      D. when I am weak, You make me strong
      E. temptations/trying of faith = patience = perfect and whole; wanting nothing


[[I never took the time to stop & realize that death takes many forms, even while alive]]

Wrecked ---> Restored

DISCLAIMER: this post is not to be read by anyone who isn't sitting in a fanfrickintastic spinny chair. you just couldn't handle it. you have been warned.


we've all been told before [directly/indirectly] to just "follow your heart".. whether it's by hearing the phrase gently woven into the lyrics of a song, boldly scrawled over a t-shirt, stamped on a bracelet, or spoken out of someone's mouth as we asked them for advice about a problem, most likely closely related to our emotions. the world hands out this suggestion like it's the best solution out there, but have you ever thought about what it actually means.. about how utterly stupid and mind-numbingly unintelligent it is?


[Jeremiah 17:9
the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?]


so, just think about that for a minute... deceitful above all things? desperately wicked?
why, again, should we be following our hearts? 


*insert noises mocking people's brain functioning level here*


[Matthew 15:18-19
those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. for out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, and blasphemies.]


it's pretty apparent, from the Bible and from our own lives, that our hearts are vile & wicked.. again, I ask, why should we be letting it purposely direct us? what is there to gain?


I'm not implying we should ignore our emotions, and completely disregard our desires; those things certainly have a place in our lives.. we just shouldn't let them rule us. we should not be subject to our emotions, and we should not let how we feel dictate what we do. that is such a cheap and weak approach to anything in life, and it won't do us any good.. we'll all have the joy of finding that out sooner or later.


also, if we "listen to our heart" [another senseless, cliche line that makes me twitch], just what kind of answer are we expecting to get? besides for, hopefully, a steadily pulsing heartbeat, we're not going to find anything.. let alone the right answer, or the one we should be looking for, I assure you. the correct response to any question we have cannot be found within our hearts.


[Proverb 28:26
he that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.]


[James 1:5
if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.]


I don't want to get too off subject here, but let's just follow where these verses take us for a minute...


[Ephesians 5:15-16

see then that ye walk circumspectly [[watchful, discreet, cautious, prudent; well-considered]], not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.]

[Colossians 4:5a

walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time..]

there is an obvious theme here in the verses: walking wisely..
and I could completely go on & make this last forever, but you get the point, so I'll end it now with my main thought: is it really wise to follow your heart, afterall? just take some time to think about what it is that people are actually saying, and, consequently, what it is you're listening to and potentially following after. I think we would be shocked if we realized how comfortable we've become with having such vapid advice from the world shoved down our throats; I doubt we even realize it half the time. being aware though can save us from feeling like we're doing the right thing, when we actually may be making a really stupid decision. we are to redeem [[purchase, buy back; to recover]] the time, not waste it by following the desires of our selfish heart. our time/our life is but a second in the vast scheme of things [James 4:14/Psalm 144:4/Isaiah 2:22] and with what little of it we do have, we should endevour to make the most of every opportunity, and live for something greater than ourselves. we can rescue the time we are constantly losing, and use it for something so much better than what the world would have us do.. 


[Romans 12:2
and be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.]


[Hebrews 12:1-3
wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. for consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.]


[Proverbs 14:12, 3:5-6
there is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.]


okay, two last verses (:


[Psalm 51:10

create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.]


[Proverbs 4:23
above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.]

TwoThousandEleven [resolutions & salvation]

go ahead and make your vows; scratched out words & blurry lines match your attempts at self-denial. you're no better than the rest. & while you hide your shame behind the distant second chance, pray tomorrow comes.. this time you will outlast the three days..... & after 6hrs of writing your heart out, face it.. what is it worth? for all it matters, nothing of this kind does. so turn around & face the world, you're gonna fall, so why waste life pretending you can be perfect? acceptance of this is the closest you will come. 12:01am. why believe in it? what's another 24hrs of winter spent with your vile attempts. bruising. lacerating. diminishing. shattering. stop the slavery; the miserable toil. the moments find you moving backwards, waiting for nothing more than the curtains to drop around your unpure sacrifice. & if my heart stops beating before I learn this, promise me you'll pack my memories in it & keep it safe- I want to know all the love I've got. for what's your purpose, if not to find love? why are you struggling? why are you trying to prove that you can be more than what you are? it's found not in the labor. not in the fruitless attempts. nor in the shedding of guilty tears, but in the sound of forgiveness. in the presence of acceptance. in the flow of His blood. [[and if we get beaten by this winter, if we get strangled by regret, just let our love of life and tension gasp in sweet and stuttered breaths, and
have them lay us in a basement, smash some bottles on the ground, and say we never knew the difference between the feeling and the sound]] may we be ever grateful that, in our sinful prayers, He perfects every word. He knows your needs. He knows your faults. & He loves you. why are you still searching? ...let Him be enough. 
He is so much more than enough <3